Sometimes, in these trying times of crisis and universal brouhaha, we’re presented with evidence that even as the pillars of civilization crumble all around us, medievalism remains a sturdy riverside mill of robust economic growth.
Behold: Charlemagne shower gel.
As the neat Roman blog Eternally Cool points out, Charlemagne is one of the worthies immortalized by the ZIRH Warrior Collection, which includes shower gels inspired by Ulysses, Alexander the Great, Cyrus of Persia, and Julius Caesar. Now, with all due respect to my amici at the eCool team, the “cooling icy scent” of Charlemagne, which offers the natural astringency of chestnut seed, totally conquers the citrusy, skin-softening properties of Caesar.
“But wait,” I hear yon straw man cry, “is Charlemagne shower gel historically accurate?” Frankly—yes, I said “Frank”-ly—the question offends me. Anyone who’s read The Life of Charlemagne ought to remember the passage where the emperor conditions his royal tresses with chestnut-seed extract. It comes right after the concubine asks him “Are all these your guitars?” and then expresses amazement that the royal baths are larger than her whole apartment. It’s in Einhard, people—look it up!